


Dreams of Aeroplanes (EreRi)

by Lucihive6



Category: Attack on Titan, Shingeki no Kyojin
Genre: Angst, BoyxBoy, Character Death, Depression, Heavy Angst, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, One Sided Love, POV Eren Yeager, References to Depression, Sad, Suicide, attack on titan - Freeform, fanfiction for a contest, shingeki no kyojin - Freeform, so much crying, this is so old
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-12
Updated: 2014-07-12
Packaged: 2018-02-08 12:59:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1942062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucihive6/pseuds/Lucihive6
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's. All. My. Fault.</p>
<p>He was dead because of me.</p>
<p>I wasn't chubby cheeked Eren anymore, I was broken, twisted, corrupted Eren.</p>
<p>I was a monster.<br/>----/----<br/>Eren met Levi when he was only 6 years old, but when they drifted apart Eren never would have thought that he and Levi would see each other again. Let alone fall in love with him.</p>
<p>Dealing with Denial, Depression and Self-hatred Eren realises that it's time to let Levi go, so that Levi could finally fly, however the result was something Eren could have never dreamt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dreams of Aeroplanes (EreRi)

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this years, decades, centuries ago so if the grammar is randomly appalling i'M SORRy
> 
> this is the fanfic in which i realised that i'm a monster and angst is my thing and it's what i live off of
> 
> anyway, enjoy(?)

Levi was gone.

He was dead. And it was all my fault.

I hated myself. I hated myself for being alive, I hated Armin for trying to understand, I hated Mikasa for worrying, I hated Jean for treading carefully around me and most of all I hated Levi for being dead. But I love him, no, it's past tense now, isn't it? Loved. I _loved_ him. He's dead. And nothing will ever be the same.

What makes it worse was the fact that I didn't even tell him, I couldn't tell him, and then he did it. He topped himself.

Levi isn't weak. Sorry, I did it again, Levi _wasn't_ weak. He was strong, when I was depressed about my parents death, he was the one who got my through it, speaking realistically, it wasn't all him, Mikasa, Armin and many useless therapists were all there, but he was different, he was the reason **to** get better.

I had known Levi most of my life, I met him at the age of 6 when he was 8. We were next door neighbours. I was playing in the garden, I was playing at being an aeroplane pilot with goggles over my face, when I heard a cough. I looked up to see a boy sitting on the fence, my face flushed, embarrassed at being caught and angry for being interrupted.

"What are you doing?" He asked, his face set in a smirk.

"Pretending to fly," I answered, with an air of innocence.

"What's the point? It's not like you're ever going to," He looked uninterested.

I didn't understand, "Well I want too! And anyway, for now It's only a game. Do you want to join?"

He ignored the question. "Do you want to fly?"

My face scrunched up in thought. "Well, I want to fly with wings, but a plane would be cooler, I want to travel over lands," I smiled at him, "do you want to fly?"

He stared at me and then he let out his first smile.

"Of course."

I smiled back.

"Hey, kid. What's your name?"

"Eren," I replied. "What's your name?"

He jumped down from over the fence and pulled the goggles off my face.

"Hey!" I protested, jumping up to reach them. Even for a 6 year old, I almost reached his shoulders. He smirked down at me.

"What?" I asked. I sighed when I knew he wasn't going to give me the goggles back any time soon. "What's your name, then?"

"Just call me Captain from now on."

We played aeroplane the whole afternoon. I gave him the goggles. He smiled.

That year, he moved away, I moved house and met Armin and soon forgot about my aeroplane friend, I forgot about the goggles.

At the age of 12, when I was in Year 8, he moved to my school, he was 14 and in year 9. I got along with most of my class except for Jean, we were enemies and every now and then, I came home with bruises on my face, Mum and Dad got worried, Mikasa got angry at who had done it and how impulsive I had been and Armin got stressed.

When I saw Levi when he moved to my school, I didn't recognise him, we were walking down the hallway, he was with his friends, I was with mine, he looked at me, his eyes widened and he looked away, scowling.

The next day there were a pair of goggles in my locker with a note attached to it saying: "Remember your captain? From, Levi Ackerman." I was confused, and then I remembered. I searched "Levi Ackerman" on Facebook and added him as a friend. My heart leapt.

He messaged me after he accepted it. 

_"Oi. It's been a long time."_

We talked ever since then, soon my friends grew accustomed to me talking to him and about him, Jean accused me of being obsessed with him, I denied it, but I felt the blush. That was the day I realised that I _liked_ Levi.

We hung out in the summer holidays, he was distant for a while but then he opened up again.

"So where do you live now?" I asked.

He snorted, "Some house near the city."

My eyes widened, those houses were massive. "Wow! How did your parents afford it?"

"They don't. Ever since Erwin Smith's dad killed them with a car he's been dead sympathetic, I now live with him, his wife and his son."

My heart stopped and I was filled with dread. How could I have not known?

"Levi... I'm... Well... I..."

"Don't." He held up his hand. I was silenced. "It was a long time ago, not long after I moved actually, anyway, my mum ran off, and my dad tried to kill himself by driving himself into another car. It was ages ago anyway, the past is the past."

"But the past can still haunt you, just cuz it's the past doesn't mean it's going to stay in the past, you'll still feel it."

He leant closer to me. "And how would you know, Mr. Wisdom?" He flicked my forehead, I blushed. "How are you so full of knowledge? Aren't you failing maths?" I blushed a deeper shade of red.

"Screw you! And a sub level behind is not 'failing' thank you very much!"

He laughed. Oh God, I loved his laugh. And his smile, and the way he tried to hide it. I miss him. I miss him so, so much. And it's all my fault. Because I never told him. _I never told him._

When my parents died, I broke. My mum died in a house fire and my dad was never found. Mikasa was hurting and I was so selfish, but I didn't care. I missed my mum's smile and her warm hugs and her high pitched giggle, I missed my dad's supporting speeches, his hand when he ruffled my hair and his wide smile.

Mikasa and I moved in with Armin and his grandfather. I stopped talking to Levi and just stuck to myself. Mikasa and I mopped around, but she eventually started to get better, we saw councillors and therapists, none of them helped me, they only taught me how to tape over the wounds, not repair them.

Mikasa told me to survive, that mum and dad wanted me too, I listened but just didn't seem to hear. When I went back onto Facebook, Levi had sent me over 10 messages.

_"Oi. When are your free?"_  
"Are you free today?"  
"Are you there?"  
"Hey, brat. Answer me."  
"Are you on holiday or with your friends?"  
"Are you okay?"  
"I want to come over, where do you live?"  
"Hey, don't ignore me."  
"Oi!"  
"Do you not have wifi?"

I smiled slightly, my mouth wobbling. He was online. I typed back.

_"Hey, I haven't been online much. I'm fine, I'm busy this week. See you soon, bye."_

Quick and straight to the point.

_Seen._

No reply.

Mikasa spoke to me and told me that I had to get out of the house soon, or I was going to go insane with her or Armin's company. I didn't say anything to her but privately, I agreed.

I logged on to Facebook. My hands were placed over the keyboard, I took a deep breath and began to type.

_"Hey, soz i havent talked much, ive been busy, do u want to meet me today? If ur free, meet me at the usual place Barcodez."_

I waited.

_Seen._

I let out a breath. My heart was pounding.

He was typing.

_"I'm glad you're not dead. Also, your grammar is appalling."_

I smiled.

_"Thx. So can u come?"_

I waited.

_Seen._

_"What time?"_

_"Arnd 12:30? Is that kl?"_

_"Yes. That is 'kl'"_

_"Gr8!"_

_"You're doing this on purpose now, aren't you?"_

_"Doing wat?"_

_"... Never mind. See you at 12:30."_

_"See u thre!"_

We met up, he ordered for me and he paid. He admitted that he was bored at home, he asked me what was wrong. Everything. "Nothing! I'm fine!" He knew I was lying.

When we went to the park, it all came pouring out. When I cried he hugged me and awkwardly patted my back. I threw my arms around him, and told him everything. He was better than a therapist. It hit me there, when we were sitting on the bench facing the water fountain, with my arms around his waist and his face in my hair, it hit me that I was in love with him.

After he found out about my mum's death and dad's disappearance, he messaged me regularly and understood when I didn't reply. It was an excuse. I didn't talk to him because I was scared. I was in love for the first time. I couldn't tell anyone I was in love with a guy. Levi.

When school started, Mikasa dragged me in and told me to face my problems, Armin was behind me supporting me. Jean left me alone, the school must have been warned about our situation.

 I didn't see Levi and I didn't come home with bruises on my face. I didn't come home to a loving couple fretting over me. I tried not to cry.

Levi messaged me that night.

 

_"Oi. I didn't see you around today."_

_"No. I didn't see u, either."_ His grammar had rubbed off on me. Well, sort of.

_"Let's hang out after school tomorrow."_

I was scared. I couldn't face my feelings. _"Why?"_

_"We need to talk."_

My heart started thumping. _"About...?"_

_"Sometimes, you're a real brat. Just meet me outside my form room, I'll pick you up from there. My form room is 10P._ " My heart was about to burst. I felt like a teenage girl.

_"I know, I know. Okay then, see ya."_

I logged off.

I went to the form room with a hopeful heart and it almost imploded when he told me he wanted to meet up more regularly. After that, we hung out everyday after school, I started to see less and less of Mikasa and Armin, but then I decided to have a movie night every Saturday, so our relationship stayed intact.

Jean became convinced that Levi and I were dating, he didn't make fun of me as I thought he would, he just looked mildly pissed off and I couldn't work out why.

Mikasa became suspicious about Levi and me, so I told her about Levi and I being childhood friends and she let it slide.

Armin told me he was happy for me, but I laughed and told him that Levi and I were just friends. He looked sad, not at me, but _for_ me.

I was making myself miserable, I wanted what I could never have. Levi.

I heard that a girl called Petra liked him, we talked once or twice while I was waiting for Levi, she was pretty and nice, I wouldn't have been surprised if they were dating. I never asked him.

Erwin and him were close, like brothers, Levi did live with him after all. But Levi was planning to leave as soon as he reached the age of 18, he had told me all about it. It made me feel warm knowing that he trusted me more. Or at least I hope he did. He wanted to be a pilot, he wanted to get out of the country and travel, showing everyone else as well. I was happy for him, I gave him back the goggles. He smiled again. I wanted to touch his face, I felt like something had punched me in the gut, I told him I felt sick and I rushed home.

I was in love with him and it hurt. Levi. Oh, Levi.

When we left school, I signed up for college to do a course on the English Language (so I could study writing a novel) and German (I was no good at French, but I excelled at German), Levi joined Sixth Form to study for A Levels for engineering. Mikasa and Armin joined College with me, I tried to convince them to go to Sixth Form like they had planned too, but they shook their heads and said the good ol' "wherever you go, I go" line. Mikasa was studying Catering and Cooking (her speciality, slicing meat) Armin was a bookworm, so he took English with me.

By now, Mikasa and Armin and I were saving up to buy a new house and saving up for a retirement home for Grandpa. Mikasa was a waitress at Barcodez, Armin worked in the library and I worked in my college's kitchen, I made the menu's.

Levi had gotten a job as a waiter at a new posh café, I went there once a week. I never got to tell Levi how sexy he looked in his uniform. Whenever I ordered he always gave me a bigger slice of cake and also more whipped cream than anybody else.

Armin was the only one who knew how I felt, I had told him after we broke up from Year 11. I was silent and I had burst out all my problems on him when he asked if I was okay.

He knew I was depressed, he wanted to tell someone but I begged him not too, saying it was a phase, he agreed but didn't look like he believed me. I don't blame him, if I were him I wouldn't have believed me either.

I cut myself when I found out that in Year 11. Petra has asked Levi out. He said yes. They dated for a month in April. In April Levi blew me off for 2 weeks in a row. He didn't tell me why. In May, Levi broke up with her. I still always saw them hanging out with each other afterwards.

When Mikasa found out I had cut myself, I told her I had done it in the kitchens in college when I was preparing a German dish, Armin and her gave me a disapproving look. For resorting to self-harming, and for lying. I didn't blame them.

I kept meeting up with Levi, we laughed, I went home, talked to Armin and cried. With every new day I bore a new cut. Armin told Mikasa about the cuts, Mikasa begged me to tell her why, I caved in and I told her, she looked a little shocked, but she persuaded me to leave Levi alone for a week at least, to make myself feel better. I ignored his messages on Monday, on Tuesday Armin hid my iPad from me, on Wednesday I was deprived and I needed to see him.

I found my iPod hidden down the side of my bed, I asked him to meet me in the park away from Barcodez where Mikasa worked. He agreed, I wore jeans and a long-sleeved hoodie. He would never know.

As soon as he saw me, he asked me what was wrong, I didn't say anything, but he asked if it was about him. I don't know why I brought up Petra. As soon as it fell out of my mouth I knew it was a mistake, he looked guilty and then angry.

"What does that concern you?"

"It doesn't, I just thought I'd ask... Petra's a nice girl."

"I know she is."

"Then why...?"

"Why did I break it off? Because she was the one who asked me. I didn't feel the same way."

"Then why did you go out with her in the first place?" My voice had risen.

Levi blinked, Anger flashing across his face. "What!? What does this have to do with anything? What, do you like..." He stopped and looked up at me, sinking down on the bench. My heart thumped. Did he know? "Do you _like_ Petra?"

I spat out a distorted laugh. "Wh-? No! I was just curious that's all."

"Why?"

I shrugged and sat down next to him, "I-I don't know, I guess it's cuz I can't imagine you dating anyone." Other than me, I silently added.

"Oh."

And then it was forgotten, that was the first fight I had with Levi, and it wasn't the last, they were over little things, but we were still friends in the end.

Our last fight was The Fight. If it had never happened. _It_ wouldn't have happened. Levi wouldn't be dead.

The Fight happened in October. It was the most painful thing I had ever gone through, looking back now, I was so stupid, I was so oblivious to everything he had said. I had pushed him away completely due to my own stupid, selfish insecurities.

I had finished my first year at college and I had been accepted for the second year. Mikasa obviously had been accepted into the second year, along with Armin. Armins's grandpa had been put into a Retirement Home, the best one we could find, he deserved it after all, looking after orphans like us. Mikasa, Armin and I had already been apartment hunting, we had found one on the outskirts of London. I liked it. But I also hated it. It was too far away from Levi's new apartment.

Levi had bought a apartment, he was 19 after all. I had never been to his old house he used to live in, and he had never been to mine, it was a silent agreement, the homes we called 'ours' weren't ours to show to others, no matter how close we were.

But with Levi's new house, it was a fresh start, it was new and I was excited, but I was scared. Levi was having a fresh start, I was barely scraping by day by day. I didn't have a job, and with the summer holidays coming up I would be free without any distractions (apart from the odd English Assessment and German Vocab Test).

I was looking forward to seeing Levi. But I was scared too. I had gotten used to hiding my feelings, but that didn't mean I didn't feel pain when he smiled, oh God. That smile.

The day The Fight happened was the same day I visited his new apartment. I walked down the road, it was fairly sunny but also slightly windy, it was the perfect temperature.

I bounded over to the block of sunny flats. The area looked rich, I gawked at it. I pressed the button for "104" Levi opened the door almost as soon as the doorbell had rang.

He wore a black shirt that clung to his chest, a few top buttons undone, his jeans were from Camden and clung to all his curves. I swallowed nervously, trying to hide my eyes looking him up and down by pretending I was squinting. I don't think he believed it, he was smirking.

He took me by the wrist and dragged me into the elevator. "Doors closing," said the robotic voice.

"Well, no shit," said Levi, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

I let out a booming laugh to which he responded with a smile. My heart thumped and my stomach did somersaults. 'I'm in love with you,' I thought. My knees felt weak.

When the elevator door finally slid open, his apartment swam into view. It was glorious. The floors were polished and looked shiny, not a single scratch could be seen. The furniture was amazing, everything was clean and the main colour was white, there was a flat screen TV and there was a large stereo-system in the corner. In the cupboard on the far left I could make out the planes we put together as children. My face flushed.

"Wow! Levi, I have no words! This is amazing!"

He wrinkled his nose, but I knew he was pleased. "Well... It's clean."

I snorted and started to laugh, Levi looked down at the floor and chuckled. Levi had always had a thing about dirt.

I made a move to step into the room, but his hand suddenly came around my front and his arm wrapped around my waist pulling me back. My heart leaped into my throat and I felt like my pulse was on fire.

Was this it? Was he going to make my unrequited love, requited?

"If you step onto my polished floor with those shoes on, I will kill you," he hissed.

My heart sank and common sense laughed at me. "Oh. Right." I slid my shoes off onto a nearby mat, he did the same. I stood awkwardly until he pushed me onto the couch in front of the TV.

"God, remind me to never invite you around again, you're so awkward." He walked across the floor and walked into the kitchen, the lounge and kitchen were in the same room, just with a strip of tile separating the two.

When he came back he handed me a bowl of popcorn and a glass of water.

"But, Levi! You hate popcorn," I gasped.

He scoffed and searched the table for a remote. "Yes, well observed. That's for you, idiot."

I stared at him, my mind trying to piece together the data. He bought popcorn specially for me and he would let me eat in on his new couch in his new apartment. My eyes narrowed, I deduced that it was a test to see how well I could eat without making a mess or he would never have me over again.

"So, Eren, are you free over this summer holiday?"

"Umm. I think so, but I have to do some things for College and go out with Mikasa and Armin."

He nodded. "Oh."

"Why?"

He looked over at me and then turned back to the TV even though it wasn't switched on.

"I was going to invite you to go to France with me, seeing it was where I originally came from, I wanted to go there with someone who meant something to me."

I blinked. France? Us two? Together? I meant something to him? The country of love? My heart was pounding louder than I had ever heard it pound, my head was reeling but I tried to keep myself composed. I smiled at him.

"That sounds awesome! For how long?"

"About a week or two, not that long, it wouldn't distract you from your 'busy' schedule."

Now my heart was ready to burst out of my chest. "Cool!" I looked down at my lap, "But why me?"

"Huh?"

"Why me? Out of everyone, why me?"

He rolled his eyes, he threw his arm over the couch. "Because, Eren. You've been my friend for ages and you put up with me and you're special to me. There. Would you like me to write it down for you?"

I sat there, stunned. My heart was sinking rapidly, the next words that fell out of my mouth were the words that ruined everything, to this day, they tore me apart, but I said them anyway. To save my heart, even though I was risking it. "But why not Erwin? Or Hanji? Or, or, or Petra..." My voice trailed off. The atmosphere was tense.

"First of all, No, if I went with Erwin I'm sure he would be in awe with everything and be completely oblivious to everyone around him, I would rather take a monkey on crack than take Hanji - though it may be the same thing - I'm sure she'd kick the plane window open. And I'm going to ignore the last one. So, Eren, after I've explained everything, will you go with me now?"

"But-but, aren't I just a replacement?" My feelings were pouring out, all of my feelings that I had hidden and forgotten about, the feelings that were hidden in piles of dust were finally being shaken free. I was useless, I could be replaced, I had convinced myself that Levi was replacing someone he loved with a toy. Me. I was the toy, the useless, broken toy. I wasn't good enough for Levi. I constantly compared myself to Petra, my arms were scarred and I was tired of being pathetic and broken, I couldn't repair myself, and I couldn't rely on Levi to repair me.

I had to fix myself, but I was still broken. I was broken from my parents death, I was broken from the change, the change of growing up, I was broken from loss and loneliness, I was broken from the scars marking my body, I was broken from unrequited love and I was so tired of comparing myself to someone else. I was tired of knowing that Levi deserved better than me, yet he still trusted me. I felt tired of everything around me, I just wanted to be left alone. And for the first time ever, on that couch, with tears welling from my eyes, sitting with the one I loved, I realised, that I didn't want to live anymore. I was broken from being broken.

Levi didn't know me. I didn't want him to find out. But he was going too, he was going to find out for the wrong reasons, I was tired of being broken, I wanted to die, but I also wanted to be whole, but that wasn't possible. If I died, I would be without Levi, without anyone. And If I was whole, Levi would have to love me back. But I knew that was never going to happen. Levi deserved more than me, doing this would make him see. If I did this I could be free, I would be empty but knowing that I made Levi whole and happy would make me whole and happy, and then, I could get release, then I could die.

_I'm sorry, Levi._

He raised his eyebrow. "What? Replacement for who?"

"Everyone. The people you love."

His eyebrows furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

"I just, don't want to get compared anymore." I said shakily, tears spilling from my eyes.

"What-"

I rolled my t-shirt sleeves up. I didn't see his reaction.

Many scars, all different sizes, were marked into my skin, silver with age or red, to top it all off, very harshly carved in to my skin were the words: "I Give Up".

"Eren-" He started.

I could have stopped. I _should_ have stopped. But I didn't. I needed this. I needed this to move on. If he hated me, then everything would be over. He would be happy, he would rely on someone who deserved him.

How foolish I was.

"These scars. They were caused by you."

I felt his breath hitch. I forced myself to look into his eyes, he was still staring at the scars, wide eyed.

"I'm broken. I have been for a long time, you can't do anything to fix me, and I don't want you too. You didn't help me."

He didn't meet my eyes.

"I'm not Petra, or your parents, or anyone you used to love. I'm Eren. The child with odd teeth and chubby cheeks is gone. I'm not innocent anymore. And that's all your fault."

I saw the anger flash through his eyes. It was then that I knew that there was no going back.

"No."

"What?"

He met my eyes. My breath caught in my throat. " I don't believe you. I know Eren Jaeger. Eren is everything to me. I know he trusts me, and I trust him. Whatever happened, I want to help you. I just can't believe you did..." He gestured to my arms with his hands, "this." I felt shame crawl through my veins.

"Are you so disgusted you can't even say it? Can't you see, Levi? This is all your fault! If you had never walked into my life, none of this would have happened! I wouldn't be covered in scars and I wouldn't be so tired all the time, my best friends wouldn't be so worried about me and, and, my parents-" The truth had started to pour out, my emotions were taking over completely.

"They still would have died, Eren."

"SHUT UP!" I yelled, knocking over the bowl of popcorn, popcorn exploded everywhere. I ignored it, barely noticing. I grabbed Levi by the shirt and straddled him. "Don't you dare say something like that! You don't know how it feels! Both my parents died! I was an orphan! Do you understand that!?-"

"Get off me," he said darkly. When I didn't, I was thrown off, I landed on the floor and suddenly he was towering over me.

"Don't you dare say that I don't understand. My dad killed himself, while I was small. He drove straight into another car on purpose. I was all he had and he left me. I hated him but I still blamed myself! I had nothing! I was homeless and an orphan that nobody wanted!"

I could see it now, Levi was showing his true colours, his plastic mask had cracked and I could see the true emotion behind it. And all it took was for me to show him my true self. 

But my true self was a lie.

Everything was falling apart, my being was being split in half. But I didn't stop, my emotion was angry and raw. I wanted to hurt him. Wanting to make him happy had turned into wanting to make him hurt. I wanted him to know some of the pain I had felt throughout all these years.

"So you do still have emotion, do you? It's not lost in that worthless piece of a human robot!? I'm surprised. But I thought you didn't care about your parents Levi, I thought you said they were useless, you thought they were tying you down, but they weren't. You are never going to fly, Levi. It was a dream, a childhood dream and it's time you grew up."

His face was scrunched up with emotions shooting through his face. He was angry, shocked, hurt and he felt... Betrayed.

I didn't feel any better, all that I was saying were lies. But I was too far in to take it back now, adrenaline had taken over me and my emotions were talking now, a habit I thought I had grown out of. I felt satisfaction, I had hurt Levi! But most of my being felt like it was being sucked into a black hole, I was lying to him while we were fighting. I couldn't even tell him the real reason. I was in love with him.

_I love you._

"I hate you."

_I want to be with you._

"I never want to see you again."

_You make me whole._

"You make me sick."

And that was it, that was the final blow. I had said it. I had done it. Levi must have hated me.

The emotion on his face made me want to throw myself out a window. 'I am never going to see that smile again,' I remember thinking.

Levi let go of my shirt, and slowly stood up. I sat there, my eyes staring straight ahead. I didn't dare look at his face.

"I'm not going to leave it like this, you know." He spoke eventually. There was no emotion in his face. I felt a shiver run through my spine.

"I don't know why you're thinking all this crap, but it's destroyed you, I don't care if you hate me or whatever, but I'm not going to let you walk out like this."

Panic ran through my veins.

"But I already told you." I didn't meet his eyes, "You can't help me. I've been a replacement for all this time. I'm not a replacement for your parents, Petra or child-Eren. I'm me. I'm not a replacement for the things that you regret throwing away." It was a low blow, but it worked.

Soon, Levi could be free. He wouldn't be tied down anymore.

He would be able to fly.

He backed away from me and fell on the couch. "Why? Why, why!? Why does everything come back to her!? To Petra?" He looked me square in the eyes. "What does she mean to you, Eren? I've already told you how I feel about her."

I stared back, "You lied to me about your parents. You lied to me about how you felt, how could I trust you again?"

He stared at me in disbelief. His hands found his face. "I can't... No... Eren, why don't you trust me? How did it come to this?" He was more talking to himself than to me, something struck my heart. I didn't know what was worse; that I was witnessing Levi break down, of the fact that I had caused it. I didn't deserve to be alive. How was I even human?

"I'm not a replacement, Levi." I started to stand up. "I'm not a living memory either. This is for the best, Levi. I-I'm never going to see you again."

"No. No." Levi said, he rose from the couch. I backed away.

"Eren, no. You're confused, God, you've made me confused, I don't understand where you've got this from-"

"YOU!" I exploded, anger building inside of me. "Every emotion in me is caused by you! You think I'm someone else, you think I can be trusted, I'm not the old Eren, or anyone else! I don't want to be compared! You deserve someone so much better to rely on." The truth ended and the lies began. "I don't want you to rely on me! I don't want your pity or your friendship, I don't know why I started talking to you in the first place."

"You don't mean that."

"I do." I looked him in the eye.

He sat down again. I stood awkwardly. He didn't say anything. I didn't know what to do.

"Le-"

"Eren. Stop it. Just stop it. If you hated me, you could have said ages ago. There must have been a reason you started talking to me again, why you spent so long with me." His eyes were searching my face, long and hard, "Something you're not telling me..." I said nothing.

"Levi. You don't need me." Truth. "I don't need you." Lie. "Let's end this here. Before someone gets hurt. I'm leaving."

"Jesus, you don't think I'm hurt!?" He yelled, his voice shaking. I blinked in shock. "You don't think I care!? What monster do you think I am!? If anything, you're the monster!"

I smiled. A sick, twisted sort of smile. "You don't have to lie, I know you don't care. You know, you were the one who made me like this, a monster."

His eyes widened, and then they narrowed, devoid of any emotion. The last emotion I ever saw on Levi's face was betrayal.

"Well, now I know. Weren't you leaving?"

I nodded slowly, my tongue felt numb. I slipped my shoes on while he stood far behind me. I walked into the elevator, my finger hovering over the "GF" button.

"Goodbye, Levi." I said, my voice devoid of emotion.

"Sure. Bye."

No more words.

I took a deep breath and went to push the button.

He spoke up, "You know, even after all this time, I don't know why I still l.."

"What?" My head snapped up.

He shook his head. "Nothing, never mind. Goodbye, then. Thanks for everything, kid." His voice was empty.

"Yeah." I pressed the button. "Thanks for everything... Captain."

The doors closed. I didn't get to see his reaction.

As soon as I walked out of the building. It hit me like a tower had collapsed on me.

I had done that. I had done everything I hadn't wanted to do. It was meant to be quick and easy, like peeling off a band-aid. But I forgot about the wound underneath, I had been hurt, Levi was a protection, but now he was gone and had left an angry mark. And it was all my fault.

My heart didn't beat fast enough, yet I was out of breath, my eyes were watery and my brain was thumping against my skull, my body felt like it was animated, I almost forgot to draw breath. I had destroyed him. I had destroyed what made me whole. I had done the exact opposite of what I was trying to do. I had broken Levi and left him like that. He was meant to be happy. I was meant to be happy knowing that he was happy. But no, I had destroyed every chance of that happening with my emotions and my mouth. I hated myself.

As soon as I got home - which wasn't even mine to call 'home' - I ignored Mikasa and Armin. I crawled into my bedroom and laid on my bed. I couldn't sleep, but I was so tired. I felt horrible, no, horrible was an understatement. I needed Levi, but I had destroyed him. And it was all my fault.

I was meant to make him happy by making him hate me and make him realise that I was tying him down. But I made him hate me, and I destroyed him by tearing apart his past in mean, angry words.

I wanted to talk to him. But I had talked enough for one day. I wanted to sleep, to forget about everything, even for just a minute. I wanted to forget about my existence, even just for a second.

The next day, October 16th, I lay in bed, hating myself. Mikasa tried to talk to me, but was led away by Armin, I didn't eat and I barely drank anything, no-one contacted me and I contacted no-one.

2 weeks later, I received my acceptance letter to start Year 2 of College back in January. I hadn't heard from Levi, I retraced old cuts and made new cuts and then threw the blade away. I didn't feel like it anymore.

My heart heart so much, and I felt ill all the time, Armin took me to the Doctor's, the result was: depression. Of course.

On 7th November, Jean poked me on Facebook, I ignored him. On 8th November he messaged me saying: _"Why are u ignoring me? Too much of a pussy for a poke war?"_ I didn't reply, not even to yell at him for his horrible grammar.

And one day, the day everything came to an end. November 15th. Exactly a month after my last encounter with Levi, I received a message from him on Facebook.

_"You don't have to reply. You're not going to anyway. I don't want to end like this, Eren. You're special to me, and I know there's something that you're not telling me. I've been thinking, can you meet me at Barcodez at 12 today?"_

I had to reply. I had too.

_"No. It's better this way. I'm happy without you. I know it's the same with you."_

_Seen._

He didn't reply.

At 1:00 that same day, a knock at the door. I ignored it. Armin was asleep, he had taken the night shift to make sure I didn't top myself. Mikasa was working. It was just me. Someone knocked again. I sighed and made my way over and opened the door. Erwin Smith stood at the doorstep, a winter coat on and slightly breathless, as though he had been running.

I stood facing him, indifferent. I went to slam the door in his face, but he jammed his foot between the door. "No, Eren. Listen, it's urgent! You have to let me in!"

I sighed, not having enough energy to argue, I opened the door and he stepped inside. "Thank you," He said.

I sat down on the couch, he sat opposite me, his face serious. I started to get worried.

"Eren, listen. This is urgent, I need your help, if you're willing to give it to me, that is."

I opened my mouth to say something but he interrupted me, "Before you say anything, let me continue. Before you ask, this is about Levi."

My heart hammered in my chest, but I forced my face to stay neutral.

"What about him?" I said, my voice monotone.

"Eren, this is serious. He's not the same, he doesn't speak anymore, he only told me that you two weren't talking, he didn't say why. I thought it would get better as time went on, but, it didn't, he got worse, he doesn't have mood swings or anything, he's just... There."

"What are you talking about?" I tried to hide the concern in my voice. I failed. Erwin looked confused.

"I'm going to be straight with you, Eren. Ever since you and Levi stopped talking, he's been depressed. Hopelessly depressed, and soon, he's going to be suicidal."

My mouth dropped open. I couldn't close it. How? I thought it had worked, Levi was meant to move on, why was he depressed? He was meant to be happy! That's why I was destroying myself, for him. It was all for him, but I couldn't back out now, surely there was something I could do.

"Why?"

Erwin's eyebrows furrowed, "What? What do you mean "why?"?"

I cleared my throat and forced my voice to be stable, "I mean, why? Why is he depressed? About me? What's there to be depressed about? Some friendships just end."

"But not like this, Eren. If it was just a mutual feeling, or just a gradual fading friendship, he wouldn't be like this. He's shattered, I'm trying to help him, but he barely comes out of his room. Whatever happened between you two, broke him. And it looks like it broke you, too."

"It didn't." I cut across quickly. Levi had to move on, I needed to get this through to Erwin. "Levi needs to move on, he would be a lot happy without me, believe me. You need to tell him that."

"I can't."

I raised my eyebrow. "Why?"

"Because it's not the truth, I'm not going to lie to Levi at this point in time."

"It will help him move on."

Erwin smiled, "That's where you come in." He looked me dead in the eye. "Eren, I need your help."

I was curious. "With what?" I questioned.

"You need to talk to Levi."

I began to shake my head. 

"Look, I don't know what happened between you two-"

"That's not important, what's important is that Levi moves on and forgets about me! Why can't you see that?" I was desperate.

"You can talk to him, and tell him that." 

His words rang in my ears. Talk to Levi. I could explain everything, I could explain my feelings and why I did, what I did, and that I was so hopelessly in love with him that I wanted to die without him. Or I could make him happy by saying I wanted him to be happy. Without me. 

I looked down at the floor, when I met his eyes a feeling of hopelessness crawled through my veins. 

"I'll talk to him."

Erwin looked triumphant. He took me to his house straight away, Levi was in his room, Erwin didn't mention Levi's apartment. It was my first time in Erwin's house. It was nice. Not as nice as Levi's apartment. 

_Popcorn everywhere._

I winced, trying to forget. I didn't of course. 

"Upstairs, second door on your right." Erwin directed. " _Tell him_."

I swallowed, taking my time to go up the stairs. I could back out now, but I couldn't. Backing out was not an option. He had to move on. That was the only option. 

I stood silently outside his door. I raised my hand and hesitated, but I did it. I knocked on his door. 

"Levi. It's me, Eren."

Silence. 'If only I could have done this on Facebook.'

"I'm just here to tell you... No..." I couldn't phrase it. 

"I want you to know, no, I need to talk to you."

Silence. I knew he was in there. The door was separating us. I hated what I was about to do before I had even done it. Yet I still did it.

"Levi. You need to move on, our relationship has ended." I forced myself not to cry. "You're strong, Levi. You can get past this, I don't know why you're letting this get to you. Out of everyone, me..."

"You're doing it again." His voice. My heart pounded. I wanted to break the door down. I couldn't do this anymore. But I had too. I needed to move on. But I knew that was impossible.

"You're comparing yourself to other people, you said that I was doing it, but in the end, it was you all along, Eren." My heart shattered. The truth was so obvious, yet I was blind. I had done this, I had destroyed everything. I had destroyed myself, I had destroyed Levi. I had broken the one I loved. Why? To make him happy. I was a complete idiot. How could he be happy?

"Your parents have nothing to do with this, do they, Eren? It was all just me, you blamed me. I understand why you hate me, but there's something you're not telling me. If you hate me, why do you care so much of what I think of you? Why did you stay, Eren?" His voice sounded horrible, it sounded like his heart had been ripped out and burned in front of him. 

I couldn't do this.

"Y-you need to move on, Levi."

I need you, I love you, please don't hate me.

"I don't need you, you don't need me, you can hate me, if you want. Move on and be happy."

The door swung open, it hit the wall violently, Levi stepped out and backed me into the other side of the hallway.

"Stop it. Just shut up. That doesn't make any sense, what is wrong with you? Why did you do this? Everything has been destroyed, and your reasons don't make any sense!"

I held my hands to my chest and looked into his intimidating eyes. How could I have done this? "I-I, did it for you!"

"Bullshit." He slammed the wall with his fist. "Tell me, Eren. Whether you hate me or not, I don't care, if you want me to move on, I deserve to know."

"And I deserve to know!" Anger started to buzz in my veins, spreading through my stomach and through my mind. "Why can't you just move on!? What is so fucking special about me that you can't let go of!? Is it because I remind you of someone!? Someone that you can't have!?" He looked down and didn't respond. The anger was buzzing in my ears. "Well!? Do I get to know? Or is this it!?"

"I love you."

What? Tears froze in my eyes. His eyes were lowered on the floor. His fist was lowered from the wall, he stood over me, despite his height.

"W-what?" I whispered.

"I'm in love with you. There. There's your reason why I can't fucking let you go."

"I-I don't..." I trailed off. I couldn't feel. My body had been overtaken by numbness. I couldn't think anything. My mind and heart were a mess. Everything blurred together.

"Jesus, I thought I had made it obvious, you really are oblivious aren't you?"

I couldn't say anything.

"I love you and you hate me, great match, huh?" 

I. Didn't. Deserve. To. Love. I didn't deserve to live.

I stood, frozen to my spot. I couldn't move but I knew that I was shaking. Levi was still looking at the ground. I couldn't take this. I took a breath. And ran. I ran down the stairs, ran past the lurking Erwin and ran out the door. I ran all the way home. No. It wasn't my home.

I didn't deserve to live. Why was I still breathing? How could I think that making him hate me would help me? Why did I think that hurting him would make anything better? Why was I still alive? How could Levi love something like me?

Levi. Loved. Me. I didn't deserve him. I didn't even say it back. Why? Why? How was he in love with me? For how long?

I remember laughing bitterly to myself for being stupid and selfish. I checked the time on my iPod. It was 3:00. It was raining. Heavily. I knocked my hip on the table, I didn't feel anything, I was numb. I wasn't human anymore. So why was I still breathing?

I crawled into bed. I shut my eyes. I didn't go to sleep. My thoughts were roaring behind my eyes.  
Jean messaged me at 5:00. I ignored him. He poked me. I threw my iPod onto the duvet. Mikasa came into my room around 3 hours later. She looked exhausted. She was worrying about me. I didn't deserve the skin I owned. I hated myself. 

"I love you." She whispered, shut the door. I tried to cry, I couldn't, I had run out of tears to cry for people I loved. How was I still living?

Everything had led up to this. I was going to kill myself. Not now, but I would. Eventually. It wasn't going to get better. It was going to get worse, until I withered away. I wanted to end myself before I let myself get to that level.

_Ding._

I looked to my iPod. Sluggishly, I picked it up, it hung limply from my hand. My eyes were hazy, I struggled to read the notification. 

It swam into view.

_"Facebook - Levi Ackerman has messaged you."_

I didn't want to read it. No, I couldn't read it. But I had to. I needed to know what he was feeling. My heart jumped a little; maybe I could fix us.

I swiped past the lock screen. No password. Facebook was already open.

I had to read it.

_"Eren. I love you. I've been in love with you since Year 9, I'm sorry you had to find out like this, I was going to tell you in France. I needed to tell you, and now you know. I never liked Petra like that, I went out with her because she asked me, I couldn't say no, but I didn't feel anything, I broke it off, she asked why. I told her the truth, I told her I was in love with someone else. That's you, Eren. She accepted it. You are everything to me, Eren. That's why I can't lose you. I have never compared you to anyone else. Believe me, Eren. I know you don't accept my feelings. I could tell that much from earlier on. I just wanted to tell you. I don't want anything to change between us. Unless you don't want to speak to me ever again. In which case, I understand."_  
_"So. What will it be?"_ November 15th 10:25pm.

No. I couldn't do this. Levi couldn't be in love with me. Everything was broken, I couldn't make myself believe it.

_"It's not that simple, Levi. Everything is broken."_ November 15th 10:40pm.

_"I know it is. But we can fix it. I know you, Eren. You never give up. What's the matter?"_ November 15th 10:45pm.

_"It's not that easy to fix. It's impossible."_ November 15th 10:55pm.

_"Eren. We can just be friends, I'm not going to force my feelings on you, if that's what you're scared of."_ November 15th 10:58pm.

_"It's not that, Levi. It's just what I feel. It's broken."_ November 15th 11:20pm.

_"What's broken?"_ November 15th 11:22pm.

_"Everything. You're broken. You never healed. You never will heal, and neither will I."_ November 15th 11:30pm.

_"What do you mean?"_ November 15th 11:33pm.

_"Your parents. One walking out the other suicide. You couldn't handle your emotions. You stored them up inside."_ November 15th 11:40pm.

_"I didn't heal. I never will. But I'm not broken from that. What are you hiding, Eren? It's something that's making you think differently._ " November 15th 11:45pm.

_"You need to move on."_ November 15th 11:47pm.

_"Why can't you tell me?"_ November 15th 11:48pm.

_"You're not in love with me, you're still broken from your past. Move on. I'm begging you."_ November 15th 11:50pm.

_"What are you so afraid of!?"_ November 15th 11:52pm.

The truth. _"Nothing. You need to let me go."_ November 15th 11:54pm.

_"Why can't you accept that I will never move on until we talk about this properly!?"_ November 15th 11:55pm.

_"Levi. Give up. It's over. There's nothing we can do or say to move past this. Give up on me. Move on, be happy with someone else."_ November 15th 11:57pm.

_"I can't be happy without you."_ November 15th 11:58pm.

_"I am happy without you. You can do the same. Give up. We can never be friends again. I know you understand. Move on."_ November 16th 00:00am.

_"I can't."_ November 16th 00:11am.

_"That's the only option you've got."_ November 16th 00:21am.

_"How can you say that, Eren? After everything we've been through??"_ November 16th 00:27am.

_"It doesn't matter to me. I've moved on, you're not in love with me, move on and leave me alone."_ November 16th 00:31am.

I could barely make out his next message. My eyes were overflowing with tears.

_"What are you so afraid of?"_ November 16th 00:40am.

_"Why can't you tell me? Eren, I love you. I am sorry for whatever I've done. I'm sorry."_ November 16th 00:49am.

_"Please. Don't do this."_ November 16th 00.54am.

_"Don't do what? Eren, I need you to trust me, I know you trust me. What has made you think like this?"_ November 16th 01:01am.

_"Nothing has made me think like this, it's the truth and you know it."_ November 16th 01:30am.

_"Eren, please. I need you, I know you're lying."_ November 16th 01:40am.

_"No. You don't need me."_ November 16th 02:00am.

_"You don't know how much I do."_ November 16th 02:10am.

_"Levi, I'm sorry. You can't hold on to the past. Please. Move on, we can't be friends, we never were and we never will. I'm sorry. I will never talk to you again. This is it. This is the end, it had to be like this and it will never change. I will never contact you again. Goodbye, Levi."_ November 16th 02:20am.

_Seen._

Let me go, Levi. I don't deserve you. I love you. But I need to let you go; by you letting me go. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I hate myself, but I love you. 

My heart was aching. What was I doing? My numbness was spreading out. I was human, I reminded myself. Why was I doing this to Levi? Didn't he deserve to know the truth?

I took a deep breath, and typed it in.

I could fix this. I could piece myself together again and I could do the same to Levi.

_"I'm sorry. I lied. You are right, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of facing the truth that you might actually love me. I'm sorry. I've ruined everything. I hate myself. I'm sorry that I did this to you. Please meet me in Barcodez tomorrow (or today) at 12am. We need to talk. I need to tell you something. Please, please listen. I'm sorry I destroyed everything, it's all my fault. Please forgive me."_ November 16th 03:50am.

It took me and hour to get the wording right. I was going to tell him the truth at 12am. I needed to him to forgive me so that I could forgive myself.

It was an hour too long.

Levi never read my message. He never saw that I sent him one. I will never know if Levi forgave me, he never knew that I was sorry or that I wanted to talk to him again, for Levi overdosed on November 16th 02:50am.

....

When I first heard, I thought it was a joke. Levi was strong, there was no way he did it. But he did.  
Armin, Mikasa and I all found out at the same time; from Erwin. He came to our house and told us that Levi had overdosed, Erwin had found him in his room, Levi was rushed to hospital, it was too late, Levi was dead.

I was already depressed and suicidal, when we found out about Levi, Mikasa and Armin became too protective. I wanted space yet I wanted comfort, I was truly disgusting.

I lived in a cage for a month, barely drawing breath, I never went out of the house, no matter how Armin and Mikasa begged. I couldn't bring myself to believe it. Levi had overdosed before he could read my message. I remember thinking; if only, if only I had sent the message earlier. But then I felt even more disgusting. Had I led myself to believe that Levi overdosed for me?

I couldn't believe it had happened, and all because of what I had done to him. I hadn't told Mikasa or Armin, I didn't want them to know, it was my own private hell, I would not ruin their lives too.  
The funeral happened on December 7th, 18 days away from his 20th birthday. 

The funeral was final proof that it had happened. Levi was dead. 

And I had caused it.

The first person I saw there was Erwin. He looked almost as worse as I did, even though Mikasa and Armin had tried their hardest to smarten me up, I know I looked tired, depressed and angry. Angry at myself.

Erwin saw me, and turned away. Maybe Levi left his Facebook on, maybe Erwin read it and knew what happened. Maybe he hated me.

At least one person did apart from myself.

Mostly everyone turned up. Most people from secondary school, Sasha, Connie, Ymir, Krista, and even Jean. Erwin's dad was there, he looked completely empty. I knew what he was thinking, "it's my fault. He was the last of his family, and now even he's gone."

It's not your fault. It's really not. It's mine. 

It's. All. My. Fault.

The ceremony was painful, Erwin performed a speech without the paper, when he told a joke people laughed that muted-funeral laugh. I didn't hear him, my mind was tearing itself down. I was stuck inside myself, a heavy feeling in my chest, I wanted to get out. It was hot, the door was open, I could have left, I _could_ have left, but I didn't. I had to do this. It was the least I could do.

After the funeral service, Erwin stood up and turned around, he gave me a look that said: 'Talk to me. Now.'

I excused myself from Mikasa and Armin. I followed him outside. 

We stood near the gardens, only we were near the bins outside the kitchens.

I didn't want to have this conversation, but I couldn't avoid it forever. It was between me and Levi, and now I bore it. Me alone.

Erwin looked at me. "Tell me, Eren. You know you have too."

I opened my mouth. I could say anything, deny everything, pretend I didn't know what he was talking about. Or I could tell him some things and leave the rest blank. Erwin would never know, he would never find out. But I would know. I would have to live with it, for every single day.

I drew a breath. And I told him everything. I told him everything, from the innocent childhood friendship, to the re-union in secondary school, from the death of my parents to the fight in Levi's apartment, and finally, I got to the confession in Erwin's house.

"And, everything was out of control. I wanted a reason why he wouldn't let go of me, and, and, well, he said he loved me."

Erwin didn't look surprised. My heart clenched. He knew.

But I carried on, right up until the fight on Facebook, up until the last message Levi sent, the last message Levi would ever send. And then I told him what I had said, but I was too late. 

As everything spilled from my lips, I realised just how stupid I had really been. And it was clear now, everything had been my fault. Levi had died for a lie.

My mind was conflicting with itself, I didn't feel Erwin place a hand on my shoulder.

"Eren."

I didn't look up.

"Eren, look at me."

I had too. His eyes were empty.

"Whatever happened, whatever ran through Levi's head, it wasn't your fault. Levi was already depressed from his parents, and then losing everything, what made him almost broken was the fact that he had started to love again, it didn't matter who it was, he was scared. It wasn't just you, Eren." 

No. You're wrong. It's all my fault.

"You knew, then." I stated simply.

He sighed. "Yes. I knew."

"When?"

"He didn't tell me. I guessed it at Secondary school, in Year 10. And then it grew into something serious. I found out from him directly when he left school. Hanji was just teasing him about you, he didn't say anything, and then later that evening, at mine, he asked what it felt like to be in love, I said I couldn't know, because I never had, then I asked why and added: "because of Eren?" Levi said yes. I had always known, really. Levi had never planned to tell you, until he left school. He was going to tell you in France, he was planning to get rejected, which was why I didn't understand why he was going to do it."

Tears welled up in my eyes. They were warm.

"O-oh."

"Eren."

"Yeah?" I sniffed.

"You loved him."

"Yes. I already told you that." I rubbed my eyes angrily, he grabbed hold of my wrist.

"He loved your eyes, you know." I lowered my hand, lowering my head.

"I miss him so much, Erwin."

"I know, Eren. I know."

"He never even knew. He never knew, and now he's gone."

"It's not your fault."

Anger raced through me. "What!? How can you stand there and say that to me!? Of course it's my fault, if I hadn't been so stupid then none of this would have happened!"

"That may be true." Erwin's tone was steel. I shivered. "But who knew that he wouldn't have done this one day, anyway."

I looked away. I had never shared these things before, not even Armin or Mikasa.  
"I'm a monster." I whispered bitterly.

"You need to tell them." Erwin said.

"I know." I muttered. "I will. I just... Had to wait."

"And, Eren?"

"Yeah?" I said, raising my eyes to his.

"Don't chose the easy way out, your stronger than this-"

"Levi was strong." 

Erwin winced. "I know he was. But you can be stronger. You are not alone, people love you, Eren. Levi loved you, and he still does. He loved you for half of his life."

I let out a gasp of air. "And I loved him."

Erwin nodded, smiling. "Yes. You did. Eren. You can be strong, you can get past this, your life has been chaotic and at times, unbearable, but your here now and I know you can make it through to the end."

I gave him a half smile in return. It hurt my mouth. Erwin led me inside, and stood me next to the food table. How could people eat at a time like this?

Soon, I was left alone with my thoughts, not the best thing. Jean came over. 

"Hey, Eren."

"Hi..." I mumbled, picking crumbs off a slice of cake.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fanti-fucking-tastic, thank you for asking, and you?" I said, angrily.

"The same as ever, I see."

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?" I half-yelled, anger slowly building up inside of me.

"Nothing! Nothing!" Jean waved his hands in a defensive manner. "Just... I'm sorry. And, look after yourself a bit more, man." Jean muttered, and then he left.

I spotted Mikasa and Armin. I needed to tell them.

I put the cake back, a sour feeling churning in my stomach.

They caught my eye and I signalled to them that I wanted to leave. So we did.

Back home, I took my jacket and tie off. I sat them down on the couch and raised my voice.

"There's something I need to tell you."

I told them everything. I watched their expression turn from worry, to shock, to sadness, sympathy and pain. I would have laughed if I hadn't forgotten how too.

At the end, they stared at me. I looked away.

Armin cleared his throat.  
"Eren... Thank you for telling us... But, Eren."

I winced, feeling my heart sink.

"We still love you."

We all slept together on the couch that night. That night was when I regained a little bit of humanity.  
Krista called almost everyday to check up on us, I only talked to her once, our conversations were brief. She was so kind, she made me cry. I didn't deserve it. Hanji also called at least once a week, she made me scared, but she also made me laugh. A week later Annie, Bertolt and Reiner stopped by and we caught up. We didn't mention anything about the funeral. Sasha and Connie showed up with food, we all had dinner. I excused myself halfway through. 

When I realised it had been a month and I was to start college in 2 weeks, I had a breakdown. Levi would have been going back to sixth form. He would have been studying to be a pilot. Our dream. To fly.

Mikasa and Armin called everyone we had seen recently and told them they couldn't stop round yet.  
Krista called. I answered. We talked for 20 minutes before I felt sick and had to hang up. The next week, Armin and I went out to watch a film while Mikasa worked, she was bringing in the money, so she had too. 

The film was a comedy, I fell asleep halfway through. 

As the days drew nearer, I found my mind constantly wheeling the same thoughts in my head again. I was a broken record. 

I didn't deserve to live. Levi was my everything. I killed him. Levi would want me to die. Levi never loved me. I couldn't do this without him.

On that night, I cut again. This time, I didn't feel anything, in fact, I felt worse.

The second day before college started, Jean called my mobile. I knew if I left it, he would call again. So I had to answer it.

"What is it, Jean?" I asked grouchily.

"Nice to hear you, too!"

"Shut up. Whaddya want?"

"I just wanted to see how you were..."

"As good as I'll ever be, is that it?"

"I-I also wanted to meet up with you..."

"Do you want me to bring Mikasa?" I asked, rolling my eyes. Jean had a crush on Mikasa ever since I could remember.

"W-well... No! Listen, idiot! I just wanted to talk to you, cuz, if you ever want somebody to talk too-"

"Really? Are you really offering me a shoulder to cry on?" I asked, with obvious shock in my voice.

"A-aha... Fuck no, not to a bastard like you!"

"Fuck you, too."

"Well, it seems like you're alive, so, don't do anything stupid now, will you?"

"No, _sister dearest._ "

"Fuck you."

"Piss off." I hung up the phone.

Weirdly, it felt normal again

Until I remembered what monster I had become.

The day before college started, I was almost having an anxiety attack, Mikasa stayed with me this time, Armin was out getting books for us.

Mikasa smoothed the hair off my face.

"Eren..." She muttered.

"I can't do this!" I yelled, laying on the couch, shivering.

"Why not?"

"Because! I'm studying English so I can write tour guides on different places, it's a part of Levi's dream! I can't do this without him, Mikasa!"

Mikasa bit her lip. There was a knock on the door.

She got up from beside the couch slowly. She made her way over to the door.

"Hello, Mikasa."

I sat up instantly. Erwin?

"Hello!" 

I frowned. That voice. It sounded so familiar. My eyes widened. No. Petra?

I stood up, and bounded over to the door.

"What are you doing here?"

Erwin and Petra looked nervously at each other. Mikasa gave them glares.

"Can we come in?" Erwin asked.

"Sure." I muttered.

They clambered inside, and sat down on the couch.

"Mikasa. This is a conversation that involves Petra, me and Eren."

Mikasa looked like she was about to protest, but I glared at her, she looked down and walked away.  
I faced Erwin.

"What are you doing here?"

"Eren." Petra spoke.

"Yes?"

"Levi never liked me, you know."

I blinked. My curiosity was piked.

"Oh. Really now?"

She nodded. "He never had shown any interest in me, or anyone in particular, I liked Levi back then, so I had asked him out, he said yes, we met up a few times and I knew he had blown a few meet-ups with you, but Levi never looked happy, and one day, he told me it was over and that he was sorry, when I asked him why, he told me that he was in love with someone else, the next week, I saw him in Barcodez, with you, he was smiling, I had never seen him smile like that, and that's when I knew who he was in love with. You, Eren."

I felt horrible. My gut was wrenching and my heart was being twisted. Petra was an angel and I had spent half my life hating her for not being her.

"Oh." It was all I could manage to spit out before I collapsed.

Erwin stood up and he squeezed my shoulder. "You look well, Eren. Keep it up." Liar.

He handed me a package. "Open it in private." He whispered.

Petra hugged me. She smelt nice. "Thank you for listening, Eren. I am so sorry for what happened." 

She knelt down and looked me in the eye. "Remember, Eren. If you want someone to talk too, I'm always here."

They smiled. And then they left.

Mikasa came back in the room. "What was all that about?"

"I'm not so sure myself, hey, Mikasa, I'm gonna hit the hay, can you trust me not to do anything stupid and get yourself to sleep too?"

She raised her eyebrow, but agreed.

I sat on the bed, with the parcel in my hand. It was wrapped in brown paper with a white string around it. It was square shaped.

I pulled open the string and undid the packaging.

A white box was inside.

I opened it. A note.

"To you, kid,  
You remembered what I told you to call me. Don't hate yourself, Eren. It's not your fault. Keep living and keep dreaming, and maybe sometimes think of me?  
It's about time I returned these back to you, don't you think?  
I love you.  
From, Captain Levi."

I opened the tissue paper within the box.

I smiled, took them out and placed them on my head.

I looked to the left, towards the mirror. I wasn't corrupted, broken Eren anymore, I was smiley, innocent, gap-toothed Eren.

Levi had loved me. Not just for who I was but for who I am. I have to remember. I have to remember for both of us.

Levi. Wherever you are, whether your dreaming, sleeping or living your dream by flying, I want you to know, I love you. And I will never forget you.

*********

_"Hey, kid. What's your name?_

_"Eren." I replied. "What's your name?"_

_He jumped down from over the fence and pulled the goggles off my face._

_"Hey!" I protested, jumping up to reach them. Even for a 6 year old, I almost reached his shoulders. He smirked down at me._

_"What?" I asked. I sighed when I knew he wasn't going to give me the goggles back any time soon._ _"What's your name, then?"_

_"Just call me Captain from now on."_

_We played aeroplane the whole afternoon. I gave him the goggles. He smiled._

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry to everyone who commented that this actually made them cry, i'm shookened and surprised that i have the writing ability to affect so many of you
> 
> thank you for all the comments, bookmarks and kudos, you really helped the younger and cringier version of myself grow and lEARN HOW TO USE COMMAS


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